living is a privilege that we got the right to lose
its been so long since i’ve seen the ocean, i guess i should.
Tonight I cooked for my parents. kevin came over to have leftovers with me after. We both sat at the table in silence for a while, he glared over continuously but said nothing. I finally asked him what he was thinking. He replied “You amaze me, you walk around like nothing is wrong, like you aren’t lugging around this big cancerous monster.” i smiled “well i can feel sorry for myself and stay in bed all day or i can spend sometime with the people who matter most.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about my current situation. The first time i was diagnosed i was so fearful of dying that i forgot what it meant to live. I was in a rush to get everything done, i scheduled every single second of everyday, i had no time to breathe and feared that if i slowed down i wouldn’t have experienced what it meant to truly live, that i would lay on a death bed and in my last moments i’d feel completely unaccomplished, a waste of god given talent.
Now i don’t see it that way. I learned that rushing everything didn’t truly mean living, i was never truly in the moment but rather thinking of what came next. This time around, I want to experience everything, live here in this moment, pinpoint exactly what i am feeling here and now and if need be give myself some extra time to truly analyze and take everything in. I want to listen better and pay attention to detail. I want to remember what my house smells like every time i walk in, and i want to hug my mom just a minute longer every time even if she thinks i’m weird. I want to tell kevin how much he means to me the typical “i love you, you’re my best friend” has grown old over the years i want to find a way to make it memorable. I want to tell my dad that he is the best father in the world, that i have never once felt insecure or unworthy of anything because he has always shown me what it means to love myself and what it means to leave fear on the bench anytime i’m determined to do something. I want to tell my brother how much i love him for always being so supportive and always so genuine, he taught me what it means to be confident and comfortable in my own skin reassuring me that i am always beautiful even when i question him about it over and over until the point where i become annoying.
and well my list can go on and on because in my almost 23 years, i’m lucky to be able to say i’ve had the best support system anyone can ever ask for. and well thats all for now… i’m off to work.. stay tuned i plan to use this as my personal journal more often then reposts from now on <3.
HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE SHOP FOR JEANS ONLINE?!?! WHY IS IT EVEN AN OPTION!?! when i go to the store i have to try on like ten pairs before i find a good fit.